strength, battles, trouble

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Invisible I

Taking the piss (father here for planned lunch but decides he'd rather go out..

Well it was a lovely hot Bank Holiday Saturday, I was looking forward to today, had bought all the special extra food bits for lunch* & was feeling positive about the sunny day ahead. Tilly arrived & then my parents. My father had been here 15 minutes then he says he wants to take my mother out for lunch! He thought I'd be all for it, but no I wasn't, this day had All been arranged for 2 weeks & he'd known All about the lunch Here. I kept calm but said I wasn't impressed, that it wasn't very nice to come here For lunch & within minutes announce his intention to go off & get lunch somewhere else. Then I learnt he'd asked my mother yesterday who'd said No & he was hoping I'd say yes it's fine! He cannot for the life of him see why I felt so offended that his coming here for a long planned lunch & announcing he'd like to go have lunch elsewhere within 15 minutes was upsetting, rude or extremely bad mannered. I had not lost my temper but was very annoyed. He sat in the kitchen sulking & I was unhappy in the living room. Poor Tilly was in the garden.
I went out to see him & then could hear my parents rowing in the kitchen. My father was talking of going off out on his own.
Some minutes later my father came in & said to me, right I'm off! I didn't say anything but was by now really pissed off. Then a few minutes later he was back & I didn't know what was going on. Then he says he's going to the garden centre for lunch! Of course by now I've had enough, I flip but I didn't know that he was also going to the tip but he hadn't told me. So we'd a huge row :-/ Thing is though he still didn't want lunch here. Time with his wife & daughter.
Then the row moved into the forthcoming life changing issue ahead for which I had asked for his & my mother's help for some weeks now but somehow always got sidetracked & left undone. This required every one to think & come up with questions, legalities, ideas etc. He said only I could know as he couldn't possibly & that I knew it all. I am at a complete & utter loss, with No Idea, No Experience & fucking terrified out my head about this situation. We've worked out things before as a family , it works really well, one idea bounces off anothers, triggers others, but he wouldn't have it for ages. Then he says if I came up with that many ideas then I should have written them down. He hasn't noticed that I've been violently struggling with depression. Violently struggling with the shit hole that is life.
And by early Evening he'd gone to bed, for 3 hours, leaving everything for my mother to do. He's always doing that too & she's got to the stage where she's had enough. When he woke at 2½hr later & told my mother he wanted another 'ten' minutes he got annoyed that she'd said no. He acts like a spoilt teenager much of the time, from the sleeping in bed all hours then going back to bed cos he's 'tired'. Then sulking if asked to do something & begrudgingly doing something... Eventually assuming after several hours wait my mother hasn't given in & done it herself. Its like he's a 1950s husband & expects the dutiful wife.... :-(
What a pissing fucking fucked up day Again :'(
Poor Tilly ended up doing tonnes to stay out the way when it was just meant to be a get-together, under the parasol up for the first time this year & just chatting. With tea. Coffee. Squash. Lunch.


*which had had to be replaced thanks to the agency cooking it for several hours in the car just 24hr after discussing this potential risk with one of the bosses in a meeting
go fk yrself, fk it, f'king idiots

Fkd off - 3 fk awful days

Three fucking shitty days so far. Today 15 minutes after my parents arrive FOR special planned lunch here my father announces he'd like to go out for lunch - I am not included. Thus triggering huge row much later.
Yesterday my GP notices my alopaecia is so bad that wigs are finally mentioned. I catch sight of how terrible it is in the mirror that night & am devastated :'(
Day before I learnt that my funding for Lifeline had definitely stopped. Then I learnt that I cannot go onto the lower charge rate of £4.26 a Week (plus line rental) because of my Telecare. The only way is to lose the specialist equipment of Telecare being smoke detector, bogus caller/emergency alarm, temperature sensor & carbon monoxide detector to drop to £4.26 weekly. However as Social Services requested it's installation it can't be moved without their permission.
I also learnt that when I had the fire & Lifeline claimed later to not able to hear me, they Lied. My warden has a transcript of my call & the Bastards Could hear me but choose not to speak or let me know the fire brigade was on its way. Or reassure me when I was panicked & afraid :-(
disappear

Inspiral Carpets- This is how it feels to be lonely

Husband don't know what he's done,
Kids don't know what's wrong with mum,
She can't say,
they can't see,
putting it down to another bad day

Daddy don't know what he's done
Kids don't know what's wrong with mum

So this is how it feels to be lonely
This is how it feels to be small, This is how it feels when your word means nothing at all.

Black car drives through the town,
some guy from the top estate,
Left a note for a local girl,
and yet he had it all on a Plate.

So this is how it feels to be lonely,
This is how it feels to be small, This is how it feels when your word means nothing at all.

Husband don't know what he's done,
Kids don't know what's wrong with mum,
She can't say, they can't see, putting it down to another bad day.

So this is how it feels to be lonely,
This is how it feels to be small, This is how it feels when your word means nothing at all
Life is shit & then you don't die

Alopaecia

I caught my reflection in the kitchen mirror earlier which is when I really understood my doctors visible surprise when I took my hat off today to show my alopaecia :-( I took a few photos, the glare was so bad on all but one of them :'(
It is So spartan on top, but long & thick at the sides. Makes me feel so awful, like I didn't have enough. This explains why one of his first comments was wigs from a dermatologist to come... Now I truly understand :'(
health, drs

Dr appointment summary

Dr appointment summary :
Capscacin . 075% cream higher levels Still out of supply. Cue more headaches, face & neck/shoulder pain as the connective tissue contracts further :-(
Acne Rosaecea : metronidazole gel out of stock there, come back Tuesday
Reactive Depression : nothing. Its getting worse & worse
Alopaecia: getting markedly worse. Perhaps send to dermatologist later on. Talk of wigs in the future. My scalp is trying to do a Terry Nutkins. Alopaecia with connective tissue diseases isn't unusual
Sympathetic Nerve Dysfunction: Nothing. Its going haywire including body temperature & vision going to pot :-(
floral

Knitted Knockers!

Truly awesome creations, Knitted Knockers are the People's Choice for charity/group work.
"A group of volunteer knitters who make cotton artificial breasts for women who have had mastectomies has won an award in recognition of its charity work. Knitted Knockers UK claimed this year’s People’s Choice Epic Award, chosen by a public vote on Facebook. The group is made up of around 650 knitters, crocheters and supporters and last year alone made more than 2,000 prostheses, supplying them free of charge to 800 women."
More on Knitted Knockers here
wraith

...

I am very tired, very fedup, my stomach hurts & I've got the bloody doctor tomorrow. Was meant to be there Wednesday but they changed my appointment even though I'd waited 3 weeks for it. I have asked the agency to come early than their usual or it'll clash with my new appointment. I've not been able to get the notes for what I'd wanted to go over with him, the printer is deceased & All my papers are trapped on the Neo 2 :-( I have urgent crap to discuss & I can't do it without them. However I have other things that need discussing. This severe reactive depression has knocked me for six but pills don't help. Antidepressants make me depressed :-(
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just you wait ...

Margaret Rutherford & Me...!

Wearing my shawl again at the weekend reminded me, I was given this for Yule by my parents & it's excellent for keeping me warm when out or wrapping around my stomach or back etc indoors. Its Perfect for the wheelchair or walking with the stick. Trouble is i resemble the late great actress Margaret Rutherford when I wear it .... In All her mad, glorious eccentricity lol
fail, Urk

Car cooked ham & sausages :-(

I'm so pissed off as this was discussed with the agency only yesterday :O Yet today was the worst ever, my fresh food shopping from town was sitting in the agency car around 4½-4¾hrs today. It includes raw meats from the butchers including the extra for this Bank Holiday weekend, & refrigerated goods such as ham, beef, corned beef, pate all the bits that should be Refrigerated & not cooking up food poisoning in the car. When it did get here the block of butter was soft & utterly squishy which implies the temperature the food was held at during those hours :-( I am really not fucking impressed :-/
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