I don't need an education
I learnt all I need from you
They've got me on some medication
My point of balance was askew
It keeps my temperature from rising
My blood is pumping through my veins

Somebody get me out of here
I'm tearing at myself
Nobody gives a damn about me or anybody else

I wear myself out in the morning
You're asleep when I get home
Please don't call me self defending
You know it cuts me to the bone
And it's really not surprising
I hold a force I can't contain.

Somebody get me out of here
I'm tearing at myself
Nobody gives a damn about me or anybody else.

And still you call me co-dependent
Somehow you lay the blame on me
And still you call me co-dependent
Somehow you lay the blame on me

Somebody get me out of here
I'm tearing at myself
I've got to make a point these days
To extricate myself.

Somebody get me out of here
I'm tearing at myself
Nobody gives a damn about me or anybody else

And still you call me co-dependent
Somehow you lay the blame on me
And still you call me co-dependent

Somehow you lay the blame on me
Somehow you lay the blame on me
Somehow you lay the blame on me

Where is the woman who would fight to the death just to survive? I want her back to smash the fucking world apart.

"“Why won't you ever let anyone in?"
"Because ...
these moments ...
as beautiful as they are ...
they're evil when they're gone."
UltraViolet.

The other night I had a terrible dream. I was sitting in an origami paper hat boat in the middle of the sea. There was no land in sight, nothing but white sky & the surface of the sea was flat. The boat starting taking in water & I did nothing, just sat there letting the water get higher around me until the boat started to sink. Still I didn’t move, didn’t care what happened to me & the boat sank below the water taking me with it & still I did nothing, just watched as I went through the boat & sank to the bottom of the sea. A few air bubbles left my mouth but no more, I didn’t bother to try & breathe, I didn’t bother to try & save myself. I just stayed sitting on the bottom of the sea, watching the blue, green blend of the sea above me, the empty sky beyond that & then it went dark. I died. But I stayed there in the dark, a nothing for hours. Dead but alive. Alive but dead.

It was profoundly disturbing. It both deeply reflects what’s been going on here as will be mentioned below & another trigger that remains mine alone. And so, I briefly visit. I am exhausted from managing my own health care for decades & now I have to manage my own personal care & so called ‘support’ when I’m not well enough to do so. A few of you will be aware that my absence from the internet has been for various reasons, the first being my terrible health, along with my normal appalling multiple conditions, I’ve suffered three intestinal blockages, with two further suspected ones, probable gallstones which may or may not have triggered the intestinal blockages because of my SND (I’m waiting for am urgent scan). It’s weird if it is gallstones because my diet is quite low fat anyway. They believe my morphine masked all but the extreme pain symptoms of gallstones (if that’s what it is), & I note that my morphine doesn’t work when I have the intestinal blockages because it can’t be absorbed properly so the other horrific pains tear me apart as well.

The second reason for my continuing absence was a deep need to disappear which I did in September. Then at the end of January, for financial reasons I lost my internet connection as the money will be needed for my PA (carer). There is no alternative access because of where I live. Losing the internet is possibly the most damaging thing for me, I only have one friend here, Tilly at the weekend, I cannot connect to meet people, I can’t ring them (not even herne), I can’t email, I am too ill to leave the house, yet my only communication with almost everyone of you is purely through LJ. It is a strange way for me since I tell virtually nothing to anyone, yet tell a fair lot through here. Some of you have sent me lovely letters, for those I thank you so much, that has been wonderful, but the special thanks go to my dear adored friend herneoakshield whose continuous texts always keep me going. Yet I have been very much alone. The more isolated I become, the more isolated I deliberately make myself.

It’s very hard to know where to start. I am still going through times of severe stress from outside factors. I have had truths I long ago faced myself, rubbed into a wound that healed but still hurts. I know that I will always be single, I have been on my own for more years than I care to think about, the disabilities & illnesses put an end to that side of things but I don’t need Social Services pointing it out with pointed assumptions when they don’t know me.

I have been in some places that I never want to return to, yet know that will happen again. I tried to disappear, I wanted to hibernate, shut all the curtains, barricade the doors & remain hidden deep in the woods. It’s where I want to be now again. In the summer last year I lost something that had sustained me through the last 18 months, something that kept me going, gave me hope & a reason for being here, its loss made coping extremely difficult. It never once occurred to me that people would actually miss me, or be hurt by my disappearance, equally by the fact that no-one heard from me at Yule. That was not my intention, all I intended was to simply disappear, as good as from existence as possible for as long as possible. To complete my disappearance I tried to delete my entire blog but found I couldn’t do it. So instead I hid all entries, all thousand of them, making them private only. Over time they may slowly return. Again as pointed out to me my normal blog entries can be brutally honest, but it’s all I have. It’s been virtually my only means of communication for years & even that has gone.

I am so very very sorry to all of you have been really worried or hurt by my disappearance of some five or six months. I am not the person you used to know, too much has happened to change that, to change me. But I never once expected people to even notice I was gone, let alone be hurt or bewildered by my disappearance. Perhaps for those who ask about me who aren‘t on LJ, send them here so they can read for themselves. I am so sorry to everyone.

"I got sick, and now I'm something less than human. Something worthy of extermination."
UltraViolet

"The heart dies a slow death. Shedding each hope like leaves until one day there are none. No hopes, nothing remains."
Memoirs of a Geisha.

Did you know the cost of my disabilities was £4242 over five years? And now it’s gone up by £848.80 a year meaning the MINIMUM cost of disability for me is now £1850.96 a YEAR, £157 minimum a month purely for the privilege of being disabled. I can prove those costs as well & all for items I need because of disability & illness, even my bedrail to help me out of bed & to turn cost me £90. Shocking isn’t? And this isn’t a comprehensive list.

Per week £2.94 is for the local Community Alarm system, Carer group £3.00, & my Carer/PA a whacking great £19.28 a week which I don’t have. More on this later (see Part 3), it’s been seriously, extremely stressful & still is as I’m still no nearer to this carer even being here but I still have to pay. £1850.96 a YEAR purely because I am disabled? It makes me feel sick every time I think of it. Next time someone goes on about sick & disabled benefit scroungers tell them the true cost of disability. Show them this. Scounger? It’s poverty & hardship, pure & simple. It’s not just an extremely heavy unaffordable cost to me, it’s a heavy price that is one not just measured in money. I also dread having someone here, the even further loss of independence that goes with having a stranger doing things for you, helping you with things, having to go through your personal & private things as part of their work. For someone as hidden & secretive as me it’s a hateful & distressing prospect. I can’t say don’t come here today because I am their employer & they are not just a visitor who can be cancelled. I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE it.

Equally I have the morons from hell in control of my case, my Care MisManager keeps telling me that I should move to town, so exasperated I asked her as to what possible benefit that would have for me, her reply was, (I kid you not,) “Well it would help your carer get to you easier!!” She also suggested supported work might right for me at some time, H from Carers went nuts when she heard as supported work for the disabled is a single phone call a week. H said I would need permanent help with me all the time because of how I am, & said this shows her complete failure to understand my case. More on my PA/Carer and Social Services continuing fuck ups found here … (http://weatherwitch101.livejournal.com/252301.html)

I have been absolutely honoured twice this year, both requests totally out of the blue, both made me feel deeply honoured. One I accepted, the other, regretfully I had to decline. But I still felt damn privileged to be asked.

I was absolutely thrilled on the 22nd December to find that the Darlington & Stockton (the regional paper incorporating North Yorkshire) had printed my Solstice photo from 2005. They only print one readers photo a week, good size & they always look like professional work & it was the first time I’d sent one in. Unfortunately the day later became memorable for the wrong reasons as the first of the intestinal blockages hit.

To summarise as briefly as possibly, at Yule I was rushed into hospital very ill with an intestinal blockage, severe extreme instant sweating, severe dehydration, extreme pain, front & back, severe swelling of abdomen. I was exceedingly ill with that for many weeks, before it had sorted itself out, I got a second intestinal blockage, extremely painful but minor in comparison. I lost 10lb in total. The ambulance got lost, took 50 minutes to get here, then couldn’t turn down the track to get near to my home as the gap was too narrow in the hedge. At 4am on a bitterly deep frosted morning this was not funny.

I also suffered the most massive f’king cyst in my lady bits, this is both caused by the SND & Sjögren’s affecting the glands there. It’s not the first I’ve had but the first that got to the size of a £1 coin before bursting & I was going barmy with the insanity of it. It took a long while to heal & the anti-biotics for that gave me an infection in my gum instead. SND has affected even more places, the worst of the new severe nerve pain being in my vagina, vulva & back passage. That can last up one & a half hours & is appalling.

The temporo mandibular joint (TMJ) disorder is causing terrible problems, locking my jaw shut upon waking, triggers are mostly sleeping, but typing & writing too & causes excruciating pain as it pulls all the muscles in the face, head & neck. The longest has been 12 hours & finally let go shortly before A&E involvement. Mine is caused by connective tissue disease as opposed to teeth grinding, the most common cause.

I’ve been without heating & hot water once more as the boiler went again, it also went in December & required fixing then. Then a power cut last weekend took the electricity off for 6 hours & brought tiles off the roof again, along with bits of chimney as well.

At 4am the other week a very loud crash that I very nearly didn’t investigate as I couldn’t be bothered turned out to be the shock of my life. It still makes me feel cold when I think about it now. A massive section of the fire back had fallen down, it was some 12 inch by 13 inches & had fallen over the top of the hot flaming coals. It was the plate that used to hold the back boiler door & it can’t be put back because the bolt has broken & the masonry is all ragged where it fell from. It brought down tonnes of brick dust & soot & the whole lot had pushed the fire guard out. If that hadn’t been there the red hot plate would have slid onto the rug & set it alight. No-one can understand how it managed to slide over the top of a high fire (banked up for the night) with big flames yet not bring a single coal down onto the floor. The entire house would have gone up in flames.

Other news, in October we lost the barns that we were moving to in mid November & they are now sold. All because my parents buyers buyer fell through. My parents have had several other buyers very interested but they’ve all been time wasters, wanting special deals to avoid paying stamp duty. There is nowhere for them & me to move to now that any of us like, area or property.

Other news, back in September I started to learn a dream, only I was too ill & too caught up in Social Services crap to start, but I am now, exceptionally slowly learning Latin. This has been a lifelong dream for me. I can confidently say,
“Ego ne unum quidem verbum intellgo.”
I do not understand a single word! Now an icon ;-)

Cat Café has up to 15 stray visitors, they’re all truly beautiful silver tabbys with the most exquisite markings, they look like a type of pedigree. Daily visitors are Silver, Padre, Smudge (2) & her now adult kitten, Baldrick. Other irregular visitors are Twin, Triplet, Beige Face, Smudge (1), Big Daddy, Leopard Spot, Leopard Stripe. They are almost identical but even sometimes I get confused. I’ve got the CPL & RSPCA numbers now in the hope of getting them spayed & maybe rehomed, although they will only be suited to farms having never seen traffic before & in their being so feral, even now none can be touched. They cost me a bomb in cat food though, but it has been wonderful to see Smudge (2) & Baldrick playing in the garden chasing leaves rather than searching cold & hungry.

The mini house isn’t quite so miniature, it’s currently having work done on it & has become a three storey house with roof garden & two storey tower. I hope one day for it to have it’s own website :-) It will also have a male ghost on the roof with its head under its arm as all good miniature witch dolls houses should have ….

I have also been coping with more visitors in a few months than I’ve had in over a decade. Also regular cleaners although that is due to stop very soon as the grant ran out & the PA should take over some duties. Current cleaners are fantastic although I hate their coming here, the original cleaners were bloody awful, the worst of the worst people in the world, (see Part 4 - http://weatherwitch101.livejournal.com/251999.html ).

Things with my father have been the same, some truly terrible arguments, maybe I’ll say another time. I’m made to feel belittled & almost bullied. But equally Yule was a terrible time as I had a terrible row with my parents. They’ve always gone over the top & this time I’d finally got through to them & they agreed to a couple of presents only which was wonderful & I was really pleased that they finally understood. Come Yule I was devastated to learn that they’d totally ignored what I said, there were words, anger & tears. I really find all this spending at Yule repulsive, you can have presents that make your entire year rather than day if well thought out. I received nothing expensive but it all adds up. I found it utterly abhorrent that although I’d asked & they’d agreed, they went & did it anyway. They have now agreed a few presents only, if they want to give more then they give money instead, 50% to Cats Protection League, 50% to Raynauds & Scleroderma Association. I have little need or want for things. Going without has always been the norm for me, even with the change in financial circumstances from poor to poverty stricken thanks to the Social Services, if I want something then I’ll have to carry on saving no matter how many months it takes or sell something to raise the funds. Credit cards, debt & borrowing have never featured in my life & never will. Mind I paid £408 in November for the oil, & have to order more next week which will be around £435. How am I meant to afford all this?

(please comment on part one if you want)

“She understands. She doesn’t comprehend”
- Firefly
And so here’s the real shit that’s been going on & making me far worse. It’s that f’king damned Social Services (the SS). It’s a bloody long post, but I can assure you that this isn’t a fraction of the crap that they’ve been doing & causing me.

Folk may recall the problems I’ve had with the SS over the years, with the result that most of you know that I quite frankly despise them for their mishandling & mismanagement of how they could help. This has resulted in my only contacting them this time as I had severe need of help. Previously around ten years ago they installed a solid fuel central heating system I couldn’t use & that didn’t work. Their continued response to my complaints was to send me a booklet on how to work the system. Within six months of my leaving that house, oil central heating was installed by them. Just over five years ago my GP & the police contacted them about me as I was at risk, disabled & suffering appalling abuse & harassment from the neighbour from hell next door, the SS did nothing & I had no option but to leave my home. Three times after that needing help I have contacted them only for them to systematically fail to respond to phone calls, letters & emails. It was with dire need that I had no option but to ring them for help in September when my father would be recovering from major bowel surgery again & would require my mother to be with him permanently leaving me with no support or help. I regret to say that the SS have got even worse & I am bitterly regretting getting them involved, yet have no option to tell where to go to, as I desperately need to help my mother with all the care work she does for me. She has never received a penny for any of her carer work. I will be getting a PA (Personal Assistant) but at the price of poverty & hardship.

I rang & explained my situation on September 5th to the SS & again on the 7th, no-one rang me back until the 17th September. She was like a switchboard assessor who immediately grasped the serious & urgent need I had of help. September 20th my NonSocial Worker (NSW) rang me to arrange an appointment yet when she arrived on September 25th she had somehow managed to think she was here to assess me for a one off grant because I was the carer for my parents! & she was missing the centre pages of the form she had brought to do my assessment with. She arranged an appointment with my mother & myself on the 27th only I was taken very ill indeed on the 26th September, the day the hospital unexpectedly sent my father home who was still very poorly so my mother ended up with both of us seriously ill so the appointment for the 27th was cancelled. That day the local Carers came out to help as my jaw had locked shut & was causing extreme pain as it remained locked for many hours & was setting off the Trigeminal Neuralgia as well.

I heard nothing more from the SS, so at the end of October I rang them, but it took another two days for my call to be returned. My NSW hadn’t done anything about my case at all, hadn’t contacted the local community alarm group, but said she’d arrange a meeting for the following week. She rang weeks later, arranging an appointment for the next day, which was my mother’s 60th birthday so she was pissed off about that. So finally on November 23rd my NSW & her boss, who became my Care MisManager (CMM) arrived, & we discovered that NSW had failed to tell her boss anything about me, failed to write down any of my multiple conditions or how they affect me, still hadn’t contacted the community alarm group, hadn’t left me any leaflets or details on the SS & their services etc, nor realised that I’d not seen an OT since 1996, (being the afore mentioned heating system fiasco) & had provided all my own disability equipment at considerable cost. My NSW had also managed to change my address twice, lose my mothers bank details for her one off carers grant, then sent the replacement paperwork to the wrong address! My mums Carers Assessment was done by her filling out the form, as opposed to meeting & discussing the issues she raised, it’s disgraceful, she never met her Social Worker for herself. Incompetence is an understatement.

My CMM left me amazed by stating that I qualify for Direct Payments, so that I can employ my own PA (Personal Assistant) for some hours a week. She gave me booklets, told me to ring the local Independent Living Centre who would help me with the nightmare of legal stuff involved, tax forms, national insurance contributions, employers liability insurance, job description, contracts, adverts etc. At the time when CMM asked me what I thought of employing my own PA, all I could say was that it made me feel ‘safe.’ I actually felt like three stone had been lifted from my shoulders. Being ill wears you down, being permanently ill, with the terrible pain & all the other problems, well you live with it because there’s no choice but it’s not easy. It took away a fear I didn’t know I’d had weighing me down. The idea was to transform my life & that of my parents, especially my mother. We really thought that I would finally be helped. We’re now almost mid March, 6 months since my initial contact with Social Services, 4 months since the promised help hasn’t be sorted so I’m still without help. The irony is that my case is still classed as Critical!

CMM came back the following week on the 27th to discuss questions & for me to sign the paperwork. Oddly despite the fact that although my mother does around 40 hours a week for me, including an awful lot of help at night, I am to get just 7 hours help a week. CMM asked my mum to work out her hours etc, then came back & told me what I was having, without discussing with my mother the hours she’d asked her too. CMM is allowing 2 hours a day, for the day times that my mother isn’t here, the one hour is because the local Carers group are here that day but the insurance doesn’t allow them to do actual care work, just that of respite & company. The fact that I would have to be financially assessed to perhaps pay a contribution was only raised at this meeting. I raised the point that this worried me since I had just received my fuel bill for the oil, £408 (950 litres oil) & that I actually did not have enough money in my bank account to pay for it. My financial assessment did not happen until the 17th January although I’d to sign the agreement back on November 27th to start from December 1st without having the faintest clue as to how much I would be required to pay. I did not receive the verifying paperwork until the 30th January, some eight weeks after I’d signed the agreement. You cannot agree to Direct Payments on the condition of the outcome of the Financial Assessment first, you must sign the agreement form first & be dropped right in the shit later. Bastards.

The Independent Living Centre (ILC) have been incredibly frustrating too, they never return phone calls & since only the person who is dealing with my case can discuss it then it can take several phone calls before I get them on the phone. Equally although he said he would contact my CMM to discuss issues I had raised when we met at the beginning of December, he didn’t. They have also given me wrong information. ILC didn’t even return my phone calls for several weeks, even though the draft job description & draft job advert needed essential altering & correcting (such as own transport essential, they’d stated weekdays only which was incorrect & the type of experience required etc).

The budgets are extremely complex so the ILC are the ones who are supposed to double check what the SS have arranged, but they have missed several things, including that CMM hasn’t allowed for agency cover which is almost twice as much the normal daily pay & would be needed for the 4.8 weeks holiday I have to pay my PA for & arrange cover in her absence. They would also cover for sick pay too. If the carer gets pregnant then I end up in severe deficit as I’d have to pay maternity pay to her AND pay for agency cover during that time. Or have to employ someone else to cover when an advert costs the same as agency cover. It will be a female because the nature of the job & some tasks means it compiles with Section 7(2B) of the Sex Discrimination Act 1975. No-one told me this, I learnt it two months later when the draft job description arrived.

The budgets are worked out in a very complex manner, an overall allowance is made & calculated into an hourly rate. As I am told to employ someone for 7 hours a week this budgets hourly rate is slightly higher than what I am to pay them because I have to use the tiny difference to save up to pay sick pay, redundancy, national insurance, tax, holiday pay, petrol, maternity pay, future liability insurance & contingency costs. Another thing that infuriates me is that I was given a set up cost of £200, plus £90 for the employers liability insurance for the first year. Sounds great hey? Should cover all the costs? Hell NO. The advert alone is a shocking £248 because it‘s a business ad. The CRB (police) check is £35, & the insurance is £84. I am £77 short before it starts! CMM doesn’t give a fuck. I put it in writing to her that the weekly £19.28 would cause me severe hardship but she ignored that. ILC get no response from her either, she won’t budge or even pretend to understand, help or care. Bitch.

Whilst it’s not for the client (me) to work out the budget (thank fuck!!) the ILC are meant to be organising & managing the budget but they’re not. They drive me mad & I have to depend on them, it’s ridiculous. I am not allowed to go anywhere else either for this help as they are contracted to the SS to do this work, free to us clients victims. I have had no information or help yet as to how to interview (it‘s years since I interviewed my staff at work & a whole different type of job, plus I‘m ill), no info on health & safety in the workplace (being my home, where floorboards are collapsing & have holes in the front room & the floorboards are now seriously collapsing in the hallway), nothing on how to fill out all the required daily, weekly & monthly paperwork, I still have no idea what to expect nor what I can or can’t ask my employee to do. Do I provide overalls, apron, etc, if so surely not from that crap budget, but if the carer damages her clothing doing work for me am I expected to provide new? There’s a whole shit load of stuff to be sorted & understood & no-one to tell me, despite the fact that they’re meant to be helping me.

The Occupational Therapist (OT) finally visited on 14th December, yet CMM hadn’t told her any of my conditions or what I might need. She also failed to ask what might help, no options or alternatives offered, no discussion of daily life. How can I tell her what I need if I don’t know what’s available for help with?? She failed to ring & failed to make a follow up appointment even though the equipment she supplied was useless for me. I have a kettle tipper that’s now dangerous & a leg strap, the leg strap is actually to help me turn in bed the other way. I find once more that Social Service OT department have let me down yet again. They provided two bath seats I couldn’t use (I already own a bath step, bath rail, shower seat, loo rail, etc) & they don’t think a bath lift is suited because of my temporary paralysis, however they’re still looking into one. That was in January. I have already bought various bits of equipment over the years including to help with bathing, but because of my illnesses etc a bath lift that goes right the way down & can lean back a bit would be extremely beneficial. True to my luck this is the same person who was meant to help me five years ago …

On the 19th December my faith in CMM, who I had formerly believed to be competent went out the window when I found a message on my phone from her that basically said that the financial assessment department have a huge backlog & had I got anyone for the job yet?! Having not received a penny in money for the Direct Payments account how could I have employed someone?! I spoke to her the next day & she said she’d arrange for the money to be put into the account so we could get on with things & I told her again how worried I was about what my contribution might be but that not one person could give me any kind of indication as to what it could be.

She came out at the beginning of January to do the review of the care which of course hadn‘t started. I have no date for a further review despite not being anywhere yet. Once again she suggested I should move to town, especially because the ambulance got lost trying to find me. I know I live in an isolated location, I’m one of 15 houses on a country estate of some 800 acres. But I love this place, the peace, the land, the woods & stunning birdlife & wildlife that I am so privileged to know & love here. I accept that I am having to move, with my parents selling their house just so they can look after me, in a house with a separate annexe or converted outbuilding. But I cannot see any benefit in CMM always suggesting that an extra move would be of help to me, especially for me to move before my parents do, the stress would be phenomenal & detrimental to my health & I haven’t got that sort of money since I’d need professional movers. I have enough saved for one move only, after that’s done it’s gone. So I asked her what benefit my moving to town would have for me, her reply left my mother & me lost for words. She said that it would help my carer get to me easier!! I thought this was about me, not my carer/PA. Besides the PA is actually to be paid a mileage allowance to & from work! At the same meeting she suggested supported work might be an idea for me, when I told H from the Carer group she was livid as supported work is simply one phone call a week. As H says, I would need permanent help with me all the time because of how I am, & we are all agreed as to this showing my Care MisManagers complete failure to understand me or my case. Their incompetence is unbelievable & they create such extra stress with their stupidity & lack of understanding & support.

On January 17th I had my financial assessment done, my Direct Payment is £73 a week, I have been assessed as being able to afford a shocking £19.28 a week towards the £73!! I have no understanding or comprehension of how this figure is really found, after rent, water, electric, heating oil, care costs are deducted at their actual average proven cost, all other figures are done at the governments own set figures. So it doesn’t matter what you have to really spend on food, clothing, boots, phone etc, only the governments figure is allowed. Equally despite what I can prove that I have spent on disability equipment, that figure is not allowed to be accepted, but a much lower one of their own making is allowed. I now have to find this £19.28 a week for my care, a figure I find astronomical, especially given that despite CMM assurances, a persons real outgoings are not taken into account. My income has been used for years on equipment & other items that I would not require if I was not ill. Whilst a properties buildings insurance premium is taken into account, the fact I have contents insurance is not. This I find odd, I mean if I lost everything in this house, how could I possibly expect to replace it without insurance for fucks sake? Many things that people normally have to pay for are not allowed to be taken into account. It’s stupid.

The financial assessment worked out that I had £22 disposable income a week, so they took 90% of it leaving me just over £2 a week of disposable income. I can’t see how this works out, it wasn’t disposable, I don’t have holidays as I couldn’t afford them in the first place, I don’t have television (fortunately by choice) but I have had to give up the internet to attempt to claw back money, but for me living where I do & not being able to get out it’s crucial both for contact & for buying items that aren’t sold locally which is a huge amount of things as these are very rural towns. Losing the internet when it’s not my choice is devastating & extremely isolating. £157 a month to pay out because I’m a cripple. Crippled by nature, crippled by Social Services, hmmm …

I am still really stressed over it but have absolutely no choice in the matter since I do need the help. I still find it really unbelievable that I had to sign the legal agreement for the Direct Payments before I had any indication of the amount I would be required to be pay. It seems unreal that over 8 weeks pass after signing a legal agreement before you learn how much you agreed to pay. Equally strange, no-one told me how to pay, where to pay & how to arrange a weekly payment. I only found out because I received a very low remittance advice notice the other week so had to ring Social Services Financial Expenditure department to explain it to me. However us mere mortals are not normally allowed to contact that office, so I had to have permission to do so! Absurd. The lady I spoke to was very helpful & was surprised no-one had explained any of that for me. I’ve never had explanations, to date I have still not had a letter informing me the where, what & when of all of this. The previous letter at the end of January told me to send no money then … but you have too.

It’s daylight robbery disguised as help. I don’t expect help to be provided free, but I do expect that realistic figures are used. I am finding the whole situation to be very difficult to cope with especially as a lack of help or support from anywhere does not help me understand what is going on. The stress of everything, all the visits, all the issues going on to be dealt with, it makes so hard to manage & no one from Social Services ever asks how I’m coping or managing with it all. I’ve had far more visitors connected to this than I’ve had in over a decade here. When I was well I was responsible for 18 staff, yet with now being so ill I find it all very bewildering & over whelming. Some years ago I used to be a volunteer Advocate & represented & helped a local lady with mental health problems, I had real power in those days & Social Services acted on my words as I was their clients representative. They got on with things, it’s a real different story now when I’m their client & they really don’t give a damn. I’ve been so damn busy, dealing with these idiots, trying to get somewhere, stressed out of my bloody head as to where the fuck I’m to find this sort of money for ever, fighting my usual current illnesses & then having to fight all these new conditions & symptoms. And keep sane. I’m still nowhere, with nothing & all alone. It isn’t right. And now the CAB have changed to an new number on an automated line not only does it now cost to ring them, but because the line is automated you can’t put it on ring back to get through. I equally can’t get through to their nearest office & if I was well enough to travel it would still cost me around £22 when it used to cost me nothing to ring. And yes, I will be complaining in writing. I understand the voluntary sector better than many having worked on both sides of it, & now I’m a client of it. So yes, I understand, but it doesn’t make me forgiving when they isolate & cut off the very people who need the info the most.

weather witch - Fed up, fucked off & at the end of her tether.

(comment on part 1 if you want)

(written in November, never posted)
30th October - Mr & Mrs Wrong came to assess, she did cleaning & he was a gardener. This couple came unofficially recommended by Social Services, as Mrs Wrong said they had ‘friends at Social Services.’ I’d already guessed. She was sort of ok, I could not take to him at all. He looked at my lawn then announced he didn’t have a mower & would have to use mine, & was rather put out to learn that I don’t have one at my place since Tilly has it. Then said he also didn’t have a strimmer so would have to hire one & charge me the cost. Later turned out to be £14. It would cost me around £34 just to have the top corner of the lawn cut & a path cut through the grass down the garden to the wood. Last year it cost me £70 for the entire massive lawn by two gardeners who had their own equipment, didn’t need my leccy or anything & the lawn was jungle deep in places then. I wasn’t happy but figured I only have to see him once. He asked about the buddleia & the Hebe, saying he’d have to ask someone else on how to cut them, & his wife said that he did tend to hack things. She then looked round the house, to see what was what, then spotted the dolls house & dived straight in opening the front door at middle level to see inside!!! Not a word or a ‘May I?’ but straight in. Apart from the fact it’s rather valuable, it’s also x-rated on the top floor & she’d likely have had a fit if she’d seen that room! I was quite taken aback. Then we had to arrange a day & time for them to come & work for me. I cannot do mornings as I’m almost always terribly ill then but he pushed & pushed me & told me that 11am would be fine for me & that I’d be ok by that time of the morning. I found it easier to give in & agree even though I knew I couldn’t do it. I found them forceful & kind of bullying in nature, let alone what she’d done & that he as a gardener had no equipment. I seriously doubt they were insured either. I was also stunned to learn that Social Services had rung them with my name & address without my permission to do so.

Before I became ill I was a manager of up to 18 members of staff, now I have such illnesses it is exceptionally hard to cope with a situation like that. I got more & more anxious as the day they were due approached & in the end my mum rang them to postpone it to a later time. They got irate & tried to argue with her. She now understands what I had meant by forceful. Two days before the new due date & I have worried myself into such a state I’m ill, my father rang to cancel them entirely for me. The disabled are often called ‘vulnerable’ a term I hate but this was the first time I’ve ever felt vulnerable in my own home by people meant to be helping me. It’s a very difficult situation to find yourself in. Then to cope with later when you remember the person you used to be :(

(Comment on Part 1 if you want.)

As most of you have guessed things really have not been good. My father was extremely poorly but the hospital did sod all to help any of us with even the very basic information, let alone care. I'll round that up another time so we have family notes etc plus for those interested. Despite having an infection and running a temperature the hospital sent my father home early without forewarning on Wednesday 26th September last week. He was discharged from the ward at 9.30am and whilst still waiting at the hopsital from which he wasn't allowed/able to leave til 5.30pm the wound burst open. He thought the stoma bag had gone again as it went everywhere.

The photos behind the cut on the previous entry (Surgical wound pics) (WARNING - extremely graphic vomit inducing photos hence the cut & separate post) are of the state of the open wound the hospital sent him home with. It measures some 12 inches long on the main wound, has what the District Nurses call three separate wounds, one of which is called a cavity wound because you can see into the body inside which is fucking freaky. And they sent him home like that complete with stoma that not's staying on and forgot to give him the barrier cream for the stoma which is a crucial piece of medication for stoma care. Hence the medic call out by me on Saturday as the stoma exterior skin was bubbling with blood which was also gross & is not meant to happen. The District Nurse said it will be at least two months before the surgical wounds can start to properly heal & that's without taking his diabeities into account.

To crown it all, I had an extremely bad week myself cumlinating in having to be moved to my parents home for my own care by my mother who also has my father to care for. On the very day he came home via volunteer driver they had to get me in the same car & shift me when we all knew I shouldn't be moved as my own pain by then was extreme but got even worse in the car journey to their place. The local carer group came out on emergency to help me that day, then came out to feed my cats Thursday & Friday. Saturday my mum with Tilly came to feed my cats before going to Tescos, the cared for (me) had to be the temporary carer for my father as he can't be left alone but we also need food etc.

I will clarify a load of things another time when I can as it helps me remember. I'm really not good in myself but these things happen, my timing however for serious splat attack couldn't have happened at a worse time :-( Tobacco & I have never been parted before, Rosie & Susie have only ever known me away from them for maybe a total of three days previously over all the years I've owned them but have had to stay at my parents. Homecoming was full of joy on all sides to be reunited :-) However things have been absolutely terrible here, mental & physical pain have been extreme. And there's a very long way to go for all of us.

But I'm still managing to smile, I have too, I got home to find that my three brave feline guardians of the household had let mice eat my spare loo rolls whilst I was away!!

My father is very ill. Please keep him in your thoughts.

My father is out of surgery, it took over five and half hours and he was taken to recovery at 6.30pm. He was taken from there to the high dependancy unit just over half an hour ago. We have been told nothing other than that he is very poorly. Tomorrow when we go to see him we'll find out how he is and what went on today as we can talk to the nurses and doctors for ourselves face to face since they're saying nothing over the phone. They haven't even confirmed he's on the morphine and insulin drip even though we know he is. So frustrating.

We feel absolutely shattered.

Thank you so much to everyone for thoughts, texts, messages etc, it really, really is appreciated. Now all we need is a strong and healthy recovery for him.

Following on from my earlier post, Father's Operation

As edited in to that, but I'm posting this separately as we need all the good thoughts etc that we can get please. And thank you for all thoughts, messages & texts as well.

My father is still in surgery.
Shortly after 4pm we were told that he'd been in surgery for another hour & ring again around 5.30pm. We rang again at 5.30pm, they say he's still in surgery, will be for at least another hour. What the fk is going on? We're not being told anything. He's been in surgery since lunchtime. We know it's major surgery but this is much longer than we were told.

This is really scary.

Tilly collected my parents yesterday, then me & then we took my father into the hospital at Middlesborough for his urgent operation (He's been waiting since December :( ) Needless to say everyone was worried & pretending not to be & that everything was fine. I can't drive anymore, my mum can't, so we've no transport of our own. Tilly's on holiday so is on call for us but once he's back at work with my father now in another county we're stuck.

About six years ago my father had a panproctocolectomy because of his ulcerative colitis. This meant he lost the upper part of his rectum & much of his bowel, they gave him a temporary stoma bag for six months or so then did what's called a reversal where part of the intestine is made into a 'pouch' on the inside, also known by the American name j-pouch. Very few of these ops were done then, Leeds specialised & the local hospital every time he gets taken in always look for his external bag even though they should know better. The original operation lasted 8 hours. He got infection after infection, the bags never stayed on, then he got that awful hospital bug, & with being diabetic has the most appalling blood sugar readings, frequently in the 20s'! He was in hospital for around five months as no sooner had they sent him home than the ambulance took him back in to our local before transfering him back down to Leeds.

Leeds hospital said in the end they'd done all they could, the op was a 'success' & that was that. This was supposed to cure & control the Ulcerative Colitis. Instead he's continued to be extremely poorly with terrible internal pain, when he's bad his faces turns pale grey. As there's no bowel, just a type of storage bag made from his own intestine it means he has permanent blood strewn diahorreah (sp) which then burns the ulcers in the remaining intestine & rectum. It's the sort of pain you can't ever imagine long term without reprieve. How he has coped with that & stayed working is beyond me.

They considered taking him in to attempt to rebuild, bypass & all sorts but this would be a nine hour operation. He wouldn't be strong enough to take it, & so yesterday my father went into hospital for a smaller several hour operation. They are giving him a permanent stoma bag (external) but to our horror & worry will be leaving the original j-pouch in place, despite it's severe ulceration. We are concerned how they can check that for cancerous growth later since those ulcers don't heal themselves. Needless to say we are very worried about all aspects of this operation, he was understandably severely depressed last time when the stoma bags would not stay on as that's really devasting to have to live with :-(

Like his uncontrolled diabeties wasn't enough to worry about for the op, we found two days ago that he has a very low red blood cell count, which means his haemogoblin & iron count is seriously low. I am assuming that this one is Macrocytosis since his bowel condition means he has a defiency of B12 as well. The hospital informed us yesterday that because of this they may have to do a blood transfusion so are prepared for that. That's scary on top of everything else :-(

And so today, around lunchtime he goes in to have a reversal of his reversal op, highly dangerous in one so ill and ulcerated, my mum & I are worried sick.

Please, please think of him.

edited to add
My father is still in surgery.
Shortly after 4pm we were told that he'd been in surgery for another hour & ring again around 5.30pm. We rang again at 5.30pm, they say he's still in surgery, will be for at least another hour. What the fk is going on? We're not being told anything. He's been in surgery since lunchtime. We know it's major surgery but this is much longer than we were told.

Latest update regarding the house sale. Locals who were buying my parents house have left their estate agent & their property goes up for sale with the same agent on Tuesday that my parents have. Because of my fathers major surgery this week they've agreed to wait til a set date in October for Local to sell their place by, in order to buy theirs so they can go try for the barns. The people selling the barns have agreed to wait as well *wow* If no buyer for Local by then then my parents and the barn go back on the open market :( My parents estate agents had to take the photo down from the window & alter it back on the net again but that shows they were super fast to react to the resale. However, this still doesn't resolve the other issues with the barn. Please excuse me whilst I tear my hair out. It does however take the stress as such off my parents for having people round when they can't actually have viewers in. It's either postponing it til my fathers a little recovered or Locals may get a seller. But of course they still need to be a cash buyer or else the whole things back on a long chain again.

Due to serious lack of judgement on my own condition, my total stupidty & a reluctance to say anything I got taken very ill when out Saturday. I lasted less than twenty minutes out, spent 25p going to the loo as the radar loo was occupied, glanced round in Oxfam then went in nowhere else. Brought home very quickly. And the carer boss wonders why I'm not keen on going out?? Imagine if I'd paid per mile to get out to there to last just a few minutes? Didn't get a thing I needed but couldn't remember a thing anyway, like where I was or who I was. Such fun. And what's caused all this, just three days gardening which was actually only doing six large pots repotted & one small potted up. Plus the liberation of hearth tiles & that was it. Took me three days to do seven pots & the effects are lasting almost three weeks.

Odd from today. Sitting out in the garden this evening reading, I became aware of a large slow & silent flock of over a hundred & thirty seagulls which went over head, I lost count at eightyfive & still they kept coming. Then another slow silent flock of over sixty, all going the same way from the same direction, followed by yet another flock of over eighty seagulls. There's often the occasional seagull or group of five or six seagulls here but that many is something I've never seen before. There are many birds here, of all kinds but seagull flocks of that size & behaviour are very unusual. That was really quite eerie to see & not a sound amongst them either, must have been around 300 or more seagulls. Makes me wonder if seriously bad weather is on the way or something. Or just seriously bad something :-/

Shortly after 4pm today my mother rang me in tears. My parents house sale has fallen through, which means that the barn they were buying, have paid the survey and search fees on is almost certainly out. Like there hadn't been enough problems with the hoped for purchase of the barn.Out of all the many known problems, this was not on the list.

The local people who were buying my parents cottage have had the people (from Somerset) who were buying their place pull out. Apparently something to do with the survey on their buyers property. My parents have been told by their own estate agents that the surveyor noted on his report for the Somerset lot that he wouldn't live in a house with a nosiy dog like that next door. We are incredibly suspicious of the whole thing, a surveyor reports on the condition of the house, not that which comes under Search. And so the chain has broken along the way, Somerset aint buying locals place so local cant buy my parents so my parents can't buy the barn. Which since searching since January has been the only suitable property for us all.

I woke this afternoon from a dream in which Tobacco was attacked by a dog, that made me feel sick as I'll never forget watching Matilda die at that dogs feet. I'd rung Social Services for help & advice Wednesday, rang them again today, there's a huge queue for them to simply return phonecalls. FFS.

Worst things of all though, my father goes in for his operation on Thursday. On Wednesday and Thursday of this week, the removal company were in to pack up the china, pictures, books etc in my parents house, as my parents are too poorly to do it & my father needs a sterile, peaceful environment when he's finally allowed home some weeks later. So one end of their kitchen dining room is piled high from floor to ceiling with removal boxes when they're not moving anywhere now. It was these boxes facing my mother as she took the call that the sale had fallen through.

The local couple who were buying theirs still want it, but my parents want the barn which is extremely likely to go back on the open market week too. So as they now urgently need a buyer for theirs they have put their place back on the open market. In the hope that they get a chain free buyer before someone else comes along and buys the barn, after which if sold to someone else, nothing else will ever be the same again. They are absolutely devasted. Me too.

There's just been two much going to keep up. I have seriously over done in it in the garden, and yet I have done bugger all. I have replanted the bay tree, both oak trees, both holly trees and the blackcurrant sage which never stopped flowering all year, even had a flower out at Yule and hass now gone ballistic! I also potted up a fantastic Burgundi Giant a grass or sedge that has seed heads like squirrel tails. Which is why I cannot believe I haven't taken a photo of it. The whole plant is fabulous, burgundy stems and leaves with green tinges with these fabulous squirrel tail like flower heads that gently swing in the breeze. Very tactile, the first thing I, Tilly, H & my parents did was to instant stroke it lol

I have also somehow liberated approxamaitely 80 small hearth tiles, around one and half inches by three inches ;-) The old managers house has been done up so there's been piles of rubble outside, I had a nosey on through to see what I could find when I found a few lose tiles. Went back armed with hammer, screwdriver (to act as chisel!) bucket and trolley to wheel the damn things. That took me two nights but I'm chuffed with my haul :D I have plans for them see, I recently acquired a fireplace for the garden, (well could go indoors as well) so its currently hammerited to protect it from rain and has fire coloured pansies and violas in the grate. Looks faboulous. Hmm, no pic, I'm really slipping here lol So I over did it. Although I was only able to repot a couple of plants a day for a few days it drives me nuts to be so pathectically weak after pushing the pathetic limits. I've had to cancel the dentist on Thusday as I've overdone it, if my father wasn't going in to hospital a few days after I would probably have risked it as I'd've had help then but now I won't.

My parents took me to Beningbourough Hall on Saturday. This time I didn't even manage half of the garden I wanted to see, really annoying. Mind I did love this bit below, the flower bed archway path.

After that we went home, past the fields of sunflowers at the edges

and then via the Aldwark toll bridge, a bridge that the road bit is made of wooden slats which make a clacking sound as you go over them. When we first came here the toll used to be 8p, and it stayed like that for a long time. Now it's 40p, shocking lol I've always liked the bridge there though.

Just briefly on the computer.

Had the carer review today. Kind of low about that as the carer boss kept going on about my going out, ie. I should be. Well mainly I don't actually want to, I like being at home. Also it's not very easy to go out because of illness and also it costs money, per hour, plus petrol. Understandable but adds up to a costly expense. Why do do-gooders always assume they know best in these circumstances? I don't want to go out. When I do I'll say so, though even then I'm likely to change my mind. It's how I am. I'm paying for the service you provide so shut up about it.

Also the review was to see how H & I get on still (very well) but also to see what else the carers lot can do for me when my father's in hospital and my mum's looking after him. All the issues, problems and things I need help with that we raised they can't help with. Fair enough I suppose but none were major for fucks sake, normal domestic stuff for a normal well person. Gods who else do I have to pay to help me?? I don't have an endless supply of spare money, or unspare money for that matter. Surely they should be able to guide and advice, there's no way I'm the only one who needs that help.

House/move wise with the fantastic barns - there's a couple of problems. Actually four different ones to be precise and I really don't hold much hope for the solutions. No solutions, no chance. Weeks til we know. Fuck :(

I've had more outings this week than I've had in the last two months together lol Saturday went to Northallerton market, Tuesday went to Helmsley but I was absolutely shattered & dreadfully painful. Just went splat on the sofa for hours with the fire, cats and book for company. Didn't have the energy to breathe. Got loads of books from Helmsley & two miniatures from Dolly Mix there. Thursday went to Ripon market & got the bits I needed. Today Tilly was down & we're hopefully going to market Monday. I'm making the most of it as there'll be no outings save for hospital & Morrisions or Tesco for the next few months once my father goes into hospital shortly.

A favourite of mine for many decades in Helmsley, the allotment by the castle usually with a snoozing cat but it wasn't be seen today.


Bargain books from the Helmsley Book Shop,
Don't Wake me At Doyles - Maura Murphy £2.99 from £6.99
Dean Kootnz - The House of Thunder £2.99 from £7.99
A Life in Secrets The Story of Vera Atkins and the lost agents of SOE - Sarah Helm £3.99 from £8.99
During WW2 the special operatives executives sent more than 400 agents behind enemy lines. Among those who did not return were 12 young women who Vera Atkins had helped prepare for their missions. A life in secrets traces veras lone search in the chaos of occupied germany to establish the fate of the agents a harrowing tale that took her finally to concentration camps. But although quinessstinally english Vera Atkins was nothing of the sort and told her family virtually nothing of her life nor the work she had carried out.
Hardback Whores of the Devil - Witches and Witch Trials - Erik Durschmiet £5.99 from £20.00
James Herbert - Lair 3 disc audio cd set down to £4.99
Kathy Reiches - Grave Secrets 5 discs cd set down to £6.99 from £15.99

And from the Antiquarian books shop -
Tales of Old Lincolnshire by Adrain Gray £3.00 second hand but excellent condition!
Victory Cook Book - Nostaglic Food and Facts from 1940 - 1954 Margarite Pattern OBE Book was New at £12.99, I got it for £4.00
Twisted Sisters - Women, Crime and Deviants in Scotland since 1400. Edited by Yvonne Galloway Brown and Rona Ferguson. Also new discounted down to £3.00 from £14.99
The books arose from the scottish womens history network conference and spans the medieval period to modernity and looks at womens involvment in crime, deviancy, including infanticide, social deviance, witchcraft and political influnce in scottish.

On the mantlepiece is a photo that his mum sent me, by its side a candle burning. It's in a little cat frame, that would make him laugh, it made his mum laugh when I posted her a photo of it :-) In the photo he is bright & happy, holding up a glass of champagne on a special trip on the Orient Express he'd been awarded for his sheer hard work from his company. It makes me smile every time I look at it, it's usually kept on the dresser.

I spoke to Mother Coz earlier. She's doing reasonably well considering though had been crying and I know for sure will be crying again later. She thought it a great idea with the food today, especially since she so clearly remembered the fun with the food last year as well :-)

In accordance with my Celebrate the Anniversary of Coz's birthday in style :-) post I've really enjoyed my day which started off with Frazzles for breakfast (not that i could get real Frazzles I've not seen them for sale for years, just the same sort of crisp by a copycat company) then had the hot dogs for dinner followed by Marks & Sparks Strawberries & Cream ice cream which was just out of this world divine :D It'll be well over a decade since I last had icecream since it makes me very ill with the cold inside so hot tea straight away afterwards lol

I was taken to Ripon market yesterday where I picked up a cake & split it between my parents, myself & sent the other third off to Kev's mum. She had said how much she'd miss the birthday cake but couldn't bear to buy one & wouldn't want to, but again mentioned that she'd miss it. So I sent it off with a note saying that like all birthday cake there's always some for the next few days so she's sharing ours. She also went up to the cemetry & took some of the flowers my mum & I sent her & she took one of the sunflowers with her for the grave. I'd hoped she would as the sunflowers made me think of Coz & he loved them, which I didn't know. Nor did I know he'd also loved Frazzles as well! So plenty of tears but giggles too. She was also going to have an odd meal tonight so I'm really glad that she's glad how we're celebrating.

She said thank you to everyone, but as I pointed out, if it wasn't for her we'd never have known Coz. He was our friend & we loved him very much & miss him very much. And it's great to have such a fun day or meals today to remember his birthday with giggles & fun. She was also pleased about the mini quiz & chat room party tonight which was a fantastic idea of Freebirds. Even though the chat room has been moved since I last went in it (when did that happen?!), I'm really not a chat room person, I get so lost. And confused, I managed to shut myself out of it many times & i still dont know how! It has been a fun day but sad day. I've laughed, I've cried & I've talked to Coz plenty.

To Coz, Happy Birthday dear friend wherever you are. I love you & miss you.

Oooh an edited in bit, thanks to xalle Dalek Crochet Pattern!, wouldn't Coz have loved to have seen that!!

Some of us will be aware that it would have been Coz's 43rd birthday on Friday. Looking at his journal entry for it last year really makes you cry, Coz's brithday journal entry from last year This was a Friends Only post so only those on his list will be able to see it, I hope he will forgive me for copying and posting it here and other places.

I quote:
"Well I'm 42 today. Funny I don't normally notice the years adding up, not even last year after my hospital scare when I did wonder if I would make it, but this year I'm actually wondering if I'll still be around next year. Most likely I will and this will be nowt but a case of depression induced ennui.

I certainly intend to be here again this time next year (if I don't win the Lotto, get my book published (got to start writing it first), assumed my rightful place as world ruler....) I just hope the journey is a bit more fun."

Damnit what can you say to that? :(

Then I hit upon the idea, there are many who want to remember Coz right? His mum is devasted by his death still and dreads his birthday as Coz loved celebrating, so once again quoting from his blog,

"As a change I decided today we would only have party food and not normal meals. So Chinese chicken drumsticks, mini party eggs, cherry tomatoes, carrot crudités, bread sticks and spring onions dunked in some rather odd dips, lettuce and mini-sausage rolls and fizzy pop. Don't think I'd like to live on food like that but it was fun and made a change."

Ok, then friends of Coz, those who miss him, love him, want to remember him, why not have a most unusal dinner that day? Something you rarely have but could have with great fun and to celebrate with fun the memory of Coz's birthday? You could go the whole hog (or maybe not, eating a whole hog would be too filling :p ) and make a day of it or simply have a weird breakfast in his honour, a special lunch or dinner that you wouldn't normally allow yourself to have?

Personally something I've not had in years is a hotdog for dinner, you know with a bit of fried onion and tomato sauce? I think that's what I'm doing to do and come up with something unusual for dessert, maybe jelly? Fun food that makes you smile.

So what do you reckon folks? If you're going to do it why not share it on here and I can let his mum know so she see for herself which will bring comfort. I have sent her a couple of things in honour of his birthday but think this would be a great idea.

From my post on UK Pagan
"It is with the greatest of sorrow and regret to say that the time has come for me to resign from modding here at UK Pagan. This is quite probably the most painful decision that I have ever had to make :(

Many months ago I made the very difficult decision to leave, I made a list of reasons to stay and a list of reasons to resign. It was eleven to two against staying. So what did I then do having taken this extremely hard decision? I came back onsite and couldn't quit Modding afterall, I just could not do it *roll eyes* This place has been my home for so very long. The two reasons for staying were things I could continue to do for the site as a member which did not require my being a moderator. My only access to the outside world is via the internet but I have been noticably withdrawing even from that too..... "

Those interested may read the rest of My Resignation thread on UK Pagan as it's in Valley News is open to read whether you're a member or not. Although some 75% of my friends list on here are UKP members anyway.

It's been hardest thing I've ever had to do I think, my resigning. Many of the replies and messages have made me cry, I didn't expect those that's for sure. I'm feeling a bit raw at the moment to honest but I've had a fantastic time being involved with everything there but now my time has to be for me as my illnesses affect me so much all the time I need to make the most of things at home. Besides I'll still be popping in when I can, maybe without feeling guilty I can be there slightly more?!

The House of Thwax has lost a member of bar staff but it's gained a life long member who will be found happily seated in the comfy leather chair at the side of the fire, I am most definately not leaving the site :)